Archive for August, 2010


My life is amusing.

August 31, 2010

That’s good, right? G-o-o-d.


Aaaaaaanyways, I know I haven’t updated in a long time, but I was too busy battling giant mutated gerbils with gunpowder that doesn’t explode.  And sleeping.  Sleeping is good.  Sleeping is so very, very good.  Mmmmmm… summer was like my catch-up-on-sleep two and a half months.

Just to make this post even more amusing (because you’ve all been laughing so much up to now, right?), I’ll recap my summer starting with Day One.  That would be the day I emerged from my den of hibernation which is my room.  Which was last Thursday.

Caution: Beware of sarcasm.  You have been warned.  Proceed at your own risk.


Nothing very interesting happened.  Well, if something interesting did happen, I forgot and/or missed out on it.


So, stupid event number one.  I was happily sleeping, probably with a smile on my face, when my brother very rudely barged into my room, jumped on my bed, and screamed at me to wake up.  I screamed back at him, “WHY DO I WANT TO WAKE UP?” To which he screamed, “BECAUSE I’M MAKING A CRYSTAL!”

I asked him what crystal he’d be making because he’s been watching a piece of green sea glass in his sandbox “grow” for weeks on end in the hopes that it’s an emerald and he can sell it for a gazillion dollars and get all the Wii games he wants.  He screamed, “I’M MAKING AN ALUM CRYSTAL!”

Quick Q 4 u: Do you have any idea what alum is?  Cause I didn’t.

I asked him what alum was.  “I DON’T KNOW!”

Me: “How are you going to make an alum crystal if you have no idea what it even is?”

“I’LL ASK MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!” he continues to scream “MOMMY” for the next ten minutes even though she isn’t home.

After he’s done screaming, I ask him how he’s going to get alum.

“MOMMY WILL GET IT! MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!” and he continues to scream “MOMMY” for another ten minutes.

Me: -Facepalm- -Facedesk- -Facewall- -Facebook-

At which point he goes Googles it and I go back to sleep.  An hour later, he wakes me up again and screams, “I KNOW WHAT ALUM IS! ALUM IS A KIND OF SALT!”

I then push him out of my room and lock the door.

Later that day….

We go to the dentist.  Usually, my brother goes to some dentist that’s especially for small children and is probably a pedophile and has really weird hair, but this time, my mom decided that he was too expensive and took him to the family dentist.

My brother was upset because the other pedophile dentist guy had a “treasure box” full of lovely gifts to help him brush his teeth.  My mom says “Don’t worry, this dentist also has a treasure box!” And so, on the trip over, my brother was continually screaming about treasure boxes.

We get there, and I’m called in first.

A few things have changed since my last visit, but most have stayed the same.

He asks the exact same questions every time I go.
“What grade are you?”
“How old are you?”
“Have you been brushing twice a day?”
I mean, you don’t have to remember my name, but please stop asking the same questions every single time.  Why can’t we talk about the weather or something?

Anyways, I sit down and he reclines the chair and brings down his light thing, and picks up his tools.

He has the usual toys – the suckup thingy that makes my mouth extremely dry, a little mini-pick, a flat spoon looking thing (I finally realized what it’s for, it’s a freaking mirror), his weird toothbrush that doesn’t look like a toothbrush,  a waterspraying thing, and a new toy! It’s some combination between his little mini-pick and watersprayer, and it vibrates! OMG, HOW EXCITING!

So he starts operating on me (operating sounds weird, but what else do you call it? o.o), and a glorious amount of minutes that I lost track of later, I emerge intact but with my gums bleeding (ew…).  He then gives me the little foam thing that’s filled with fluorine (or fluoride, something like that) to bite on for a minute.  It’s soft and reminds me of that guy that always bit on his pull buoy.

*Cool and awesome effects that tell you this is a flashback*

Him: *Bites on pull buoy*
Me: Why do you do that?
Him: ‘Cause its soft.
Me: That’s freaking disgusting.
Him: Whatever. *Bites again*

*Cool and awesome effects that tell you this is the end of my flashback*

Why would you bite on your pull buoy? That’s really freaking nasty. How freaking nasty?, you ask.  Let me tell you what a pull buoy is: It’s a piece of foam that you put in your crotch to keep your legs afloat while you use paddles.

Do you see now how disgusting that is?

Moving on to my dentist trip:

It’s over, I’m done, I’m out.  I get a toothbrush, floss, and toothpaste.

As I come out, my mom asks the dentist if I have any cavities (“No, and there’s a lot less staining” “Really? He brushes once a month” *o.o stares at me*), and then she asks if I need braces for the fiftieth time (“No, he’s fine” *Face of triumph for not having to pay for braces*).

And then my brother goes in, but that’s not interesting.

Please note that whatever I say about him, my dentist is awesome. <—–No sarcasm.


My brother’s playmate comes at 8:30 (What the hell, who’s up that early?!) and my brother, once again, jumps on my bed, and screams at me to wake up.  This time, I forcefully eject him from my room (I’ll give you ice cream if you GET OUT NOW) and go back to sleep.


My mom told me they ordered a new dinner table, new coffee table, new chairs, and a new table to put next to the sofa (whatever you call it) a few weeks ago.  And then says I need to help her take apart the old dinner table and put it in the garage.  It was amazing fun! <—- Sarcasm.

And we got the new one delivered.  It had some scratches on it, and my mom pointed it out to the delivery guy, who takes a marker and colors over it.

Even later….

I watch these two very amazing videos.


Absolutely nothing interesting.

Lalala, my post is done.

Have a nice day.

Fun, maybe morbid fact: Dentists, as an occupation, have one of the highest suicide rates.

Quick edit: Due to a reminder from Shreyas, I have decided to add this in:
One of my brother’s playmates pissed his pants in front of my room, in the hallway.  No joke.   I shit you not.  I’m totally serious.