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Life

November 3, 2010

You: So, how’s life?
Me: Well, it’s not bad.
You: What’s been going on?
Me: Well, since you seem interested in what’s going on, I’ll enlighten you.

On Thursday, my mom was driving me home from swim practice.  She told me I had a doctor’s appointment on Friday.  I guess a doctor’s appointment isn’t that bad, but it’s kind of depressing when you don’t know anything on your own Life Schedule.

On Friday, she informed me that I wasn’t going to the doctor I’d had since… forever.  We were switching doctors.  Why? My old doctor was too expensive, DUH.

So, we got there.  The reception room thing was the size of my room (which is tiny).  I sat down and listened to my iPod for approximately… oh, half an hour, while about fifty people rushed in and out.  And then my brother and I were called in (while my brother screamed for the sugar-free lollipops that only ever come from doctors).

The nurse asked who would go first, and of course, my brother screamed “ME!” in a way that was annoyingly reminiscent of Donkey.  The nurse then took a tiny little paper cup, scrawled a “P” on the bottom, and handed it to me expectantly.  I looked blankly at my mom, and then asked, “Uh, what do I do?” The nurse looked at me strangely as if this was the most retarded question she’d ever heard in all her years working at the hospital, and said, “Pee in it.  Not to the top, of course,” and laughed as if this was the funniest thing she’d ever said in all her years working at the hospital (it probably was).

I went to the bathroom, which was an entire thirty feet away, wondering what would happen if I couldn’t squeeze any bodily juices out, because I don’t exactly drink a lot of water.  I then imagined having a tube stuck into my bladder to suck em out forcefully, and decided I’d better squeeze em out.

After doing my business in a cup, I walked out, holding the cup as far away from my body as possible.  I tried not to spill it, which wouldn’t have been too great, seeing as I was wearing a white shirt that you probably couldn’t get urine out of.  A doctor rushed past me, and took a look at me and my cup.  He wrinkled his nose, and muttered “crack.”  NO YOU DOCTOR COKEHEAD.

When I got back to the room (with some close calls of splashing piss all over the place), the nurse rolled her eyes at me and told me to put the cup down next to the sink.  I did.

I asked her what the pee was for, and she just smiled mysteriously at me.  I took this to mean “You look like a crackhead, so we’re gonna check for drugs in your piss.”

So that’s what I thought, until she scrawled an “A” on the bottom of another cup, and handed it to my brother.  “Same treatment, honey.”  Then she laughed again.  Apparently my brother looks like a crackhead too.  Even though he’s eight.

When he and my mom leaves (because he needs help peeing, apparently), the nurse hands me some headphones.  She said, “Raise your hand when you hear a beep.”  However, they were too small.  I pointed this out to her, so she extended them.  And she handed them to me again.

I put them on, and wondered how I was supposed to raise my hand while using my hands to keep my headphones over my ears, as opposed to over my cheeks.

I finished, and watched as she scribbled some stuff on a piece of paper.  And when she finished scribbling, she stared at me.  Then my brother and mom came back with a cup full of putrid smelling lemonade.  The nurse then led us to another room.  “Strip down to your underwear.  The doctor will be here soon,” she said curtly, probably thinking how telling kids to pee in a cup was an excellent way to spend her life.

Usually, undressing in front of your mother is not considered a desirable activity.  However, this time, it was still undesirable.  I sat 85% naked in a cold chair, shivering, in a cold room, waiting for the doctor to come so I could put on some clothes.  I waited like this for about fifteen minutes.  While my mother read aloud the dangers of having underage sex.  Wow, I can totally transform this into an FML.

When the doctor came in, she was nothing like I expected.  My mom said she was white, but I thought my mom was a little mixed up because her last name was Chinese.  But she was white.  And at most 45.  And yet, she looked extremely tired and bored and older.

She talked with my mom about vaccines and stuff, and called me by my brother’s name.  And then she told my brother to lie down on the bed thing.  She reached into his underwear, and said, “We just have to count to two.”  She laughed.  My mom laughed.  My brother laughed.  I looked towards the door awkwardly.  Then she told me to get up on the bed thing.  She reached into my boxers and said, “Everything’s normal,” while I tried to wish I could spontaneously teleport somewhere else.

Then she said something about flu shots.

We got flu shots.  Then we left.  Yay.

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