Bots!

I’m pretty lazy, so instead of writing a proper blog post, I’m going to share with you the most ridiculous conversation I’ve ever had.  It’s also the first time I got a conversation actually flowing with a bot.  PLEASE DO NOT CLICK THE LINK.  If you’re dumb enough to do it, I will laugh.

Sunday, April 24, 2011
Blondie4life1613 (10:24:10 PM):	hi
Patrick Xiao (10:24:52 PM):	hi?
Blondie4life1613 (10:25:03 PM):	Hey! You’re on my buddylist & i was just wondering if i knew you. 24/f here, and you?
Patrick Xiao (10:27:07 PM):	uh no you probably dont know me
Blondie4life1613 (10:27:20 PM):	ah sorry.. i get forgetful at times! how are you?
Patrick Xiao (10:28:18 PM):	who are you?
Blondie4life1613 (10:28:35 PM):	Just got out of the shower, been a long day i was pretty busy. :/ but i’m feeling naught! Looking to relieve some stress lol. so what’s up ….. want to have some fun? ;)
Patrick Xiao (10:29:09 PM):	great idea, lets play words with friends!
Blondie4life1613 (10:29:25 PM):	;)
Patrick Xiao (10:30:05 PM):	or would you rather play farmville?
Blondie4life1613 (10:30:17 PM):	naughty* i mean sorry typo lol
Patrick Xiao (10:31:40 PM):	do you want to play words with friends or not??
Blondie4life1613 (10:31:56 PM):	I need someone that can make a girl squirt ;) …have u ever made a girl squirt? lolz
Patrick Xiao (10:33:01 PM):	no i havent
Blondie4life1613 (10:33:16 PM):	im gunna change my clothes. wanna watch?  ;)
Patrick Xiao (10:33:33 PM):	are you dressing up in a costume or something?
Blondie4life1613 (10:33:51 PM):	no cost, its free!
Patrick Xiao (10:34:02 PM):	but what about words with friends?
Blondie4life1613 (10:34:26 PM):	wanna watch me on cam?
Patrick Xiao (10:35:04 PM):	is there going to be music playing in the background?!
Blondie4life1613 (10:35:23 PM):	-link removed- Click the green “accept invite” button in the middle of my profile..k now fill out ur info.. give it a second to load.. when you get in let me know, i’d love for you to join me in private ;) k?
Patrick Xiao (10:35:51 PM):	what if theres a virus?
Blondie4life1613 (10:36:07 PM):	no why would i give u something with a virus? i use this site all the time babe!
Patrick Xiao (10:36:14 PM):	no i mean
Patrick Xiao (10:36:25 PM):	what if herpes can go through the internetz?!
Blondie4life1613 (10:36:39 PM):	I use this site to play on cuz i don’t wanna be recorded and this site doesn’t allow users to record my webcam broadcast, ya know?
Patrick Xiao (10:37:07 PM):	am i getting paid to watch it?
Blondie4life1613 (10:37:20 PM):	don’t worry credit card is just to verify that you’re an adult! You’ll get in free through my page, read the small print on the buttom of my page babe.
Patrick Xiao (10:38:56 PM):	whats your name?
Blondie4life1613 (10:39:14 PM):	Can’t be showing ass and pussy to minors, that’s illegal :/
Patrick Xiao (10:39:42 PM):	im not a minor
Blondie4life1613 (10:40:02 PM):	Let me know if you need help, or are done. i’m going to grab my toys ;)
Patrick Xiao (10:40:13 PM):	wait
Patrick Xiao (10:40:14 PM):	dont go
Blondie4life1613 (10:40:35 PM):	brb. Im setting up my webcam. u comin babe?
Patrick Xiao (10:40:40 PM):	yeah in a moment
Patrick Xiao (10:40:49 PM):	but how do i know youre not a cop?
Patrick Xiao (10:41:34 PM):	hello?
Blondie4life1613 (10:41:34 PM):	ok :)
Blondie4life1613 (10:41:51 PM):	k your good let me know when u get in.
Patrick Xiao (10:42:22 PM):	how do i know youre not a cop?
Blondie4life1613 (10:42:36 PM):	k.
Patrick Xiao (10:43:13 PM):	im not in yet
Patrick Xiao (10:43:21 PM):	it says i need to enter my adddress
Blondie4life1613 (10:43:38 PM):	are you in yet?
Patrick Xiao (10:43:45 PM):	THATS WHAT SHE SAID
Patrick Xiao (10:43:48 PM):	but no im not
Blondie4life1613 (10:43:57 PM):	k babe
Patrick Xiao (10:44:40 PM):	can i use fake credit card info?
Blondie4life1613 (10:44:54 PM):	no its not fake..wtf?
Patrick Xiao (10:45:03 PM):	boobs!
Blondie4life1613 (10:45:25 PM):	what’s taking u so long, im burnin’ up in here waiting for u ..
Patrick Xiao (10:45:38 PM):	go take a shower!
Patrick Xiao (10:46:31 PM):	do you have big hands?
Patrick Xiao (10:47:24 PM):	are you there?
Patrick Xiao (10:47:26 PM):	i need help

As you can see, the bot ditched me after a while.  You can also see I’m not using my customary red text… I was simply too shocked at having an actual conversation with a bot to switch text colors.

Adios!

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I will never be a motorcyclist.

So a while back, I went to my cousin’s house.  He lives in Palo Alto and is in 6th or 7th grade (currently), I really can’t be bothered to remember.

Anyways, he had this motorcycle thing except it had four wheels.  Also, it was colored red and yellow.  It had a top speed of what was probably 4.2 miles per hour.

I was so jealous.

It was basically that picture above, except without that thing in the back.

When I got to his house, he was just zooming around his backyard at 4.2 miles per hour.  I was shocked.  He didn’t have a helmet on.  But he didn’t fall, so it doesn’t really matter.

His little bro, who’s something like 7 right now, then switched places with my cousin that was on my bike, and then he started zooming around without a helmet.  I was utterly baffled by their seeming absence of any common sense, because seriously, if you fall off of that thing at full speed, you could probably break your head and hit the ground with such force that your family jewels cease to exist.

The difference is, no one will ever try to steal your FAMILY jewels.

Then my cousin, mistaking my he’s-totally-going-to-kill-himself-at-4.2-mph face as a I-want-to-ride-that-now face, asked me if I wanted to try it out.  Without a helmet.

Me being safety conscious me, and me having the level of maturity that I have, said Hell yes I wanna ride that thing.  Y’know, that thing that probably said “For ages 4-8” on it.

Anyways, I got on and totally had terrible control.  I repeatedly crashed it into their fence (and a concerned neighbor started throwing oranges at me) and almost ran over my brother, all while looking like a complete idiot, legs sticking out comically.  Then I lost balance and fell off.

You have to imagine all of this while listening to that music, right there.

Unfortunately, when I fell off, the bike didn’t stop moving.  Why? Because like actual motorcycles, the throttle was on the handlebar.

When I fell off, I was still holding onto the handlebar, and because I was holding it as I fell off, I dragged the throttle down to its max, which was probably somewhere around 4.3 miles per hour.  I was thus being dragged along by the freaking thing at 4.3 miles per hour.

When I finally gathered enough sense to just let go of the freaking handlebar, it almost immediately stopped, and so did I.  Unfortunately, my head did not get the memo and proceeded to smash itself on the seat of the bike.

This is pretty humiliating once you realize that this bike is designed for freaking kindergarteners. Which means that freaking kindergarteners make better motorcyclists than me.

Look at this smug little asshole. Just look at her.

And that is the story of why I will never be a motorcyclist.

At least I wore a helmet.

Dunno if you know this, but I’ve been having abdominal pain for two (around there) years due to an issue that isn’t serious but kind of disgusting.  Too disgusting for this blog.  And if I deem something is disgusting, you better freakin’ believe it’s disgusting.

However, the type of pain is usually a dull, consistently there pain.  That annoys me to no end, but meh.  Around three weeks ago, I started feeling extreme nausea along with this pain.  I never threw up, though (not sure if this is a good thing).  Then it went away until last last Saturday.  Last last Saturday, my nausea-pain came back.  I tried to ignore it until Monday night, where it just spiked.  Also, my crap was black.  By black, I mean it was tar-colored, pitch black, ink black, black as the night when you don’t have a frickin’ flashlight.

I apologize for that mental image. Here's a kitten.

But I didn’t think that black stool was any problem, just something I ate.  But keep it in mind… or not if it’s too disturbing.

Anyways, my mom, disturbed by my excruciating pain, scheduled an appointment with my doctor the next morning (Tuesday morning).  I went and nothing extraordinary happened, except for the fact that she signed me up for 3 (3!) blood tests.  She told me I might have an ulcer, and it wasn’t the old problem.

So I went to the lab to get the tests done, and they took two vials of blood.  Then they handed me a cup.  Because apparently, my doctor also accidentally signed me up for a stool test, which meant I had to gather my shit and put it in a cup.

The brown color is actually from shit. My shit.

They poked a hole in my vein.  I hate holes in my veins.  Did I mention that?

So, because my doctor specifically mentioned that the test for ulcer-causing bacteria was a  blood test, we had to go back, have the doctor print out another form, and go back to the lab.

Then I got a hole poked in my other arm.  I hate holes in my veins.

I will never take heroin.

Then I went back to school to avoid missing math (because I just love math so much!).

The next day, I tried biking to school, as normal.  I live right smack dab in the middle of a hill, which I have to go over to go to school.  I felt pretty lightheaded after I finally got over the hill, but I thought it was normal, because it’s a pretty big hill.

But the lightheadedness didn’t go away.  It stayed and got worse.  My vision blurred.  I started swerving from side to side.  Fortunately, I had the sense to get off my bike and try walking it until I felt better.  Unfortunately, it did not get better.  I felt terrible at that point and could barely stand, so I just dropped my bike, dropped my backpack, and stood around.  Then, I passed out.

Of course, safety-conscious me was wearing a helmet, so when I woke up (after probably around two seconds… contrary to popular belief, passing out for more than five minutes gives you more than a 90% chance of having brain damage or something*) I found myself staring at the ground.  My helmet protrudes from the front of my head, so none of my face was touching the ground, except for my nose, because my nose is just huge.

I...have no idea.

Anyways, I started standing up and waving at passing cars, only to fall down again.   I probably looked like some crazy guy that found some kind of maniacal satisfaction in waving at cars and then falling down onto the rain-soaked ground.  A couple of cars, probably with drivers that thought exactly that, passed by without stopping.

Finally, a truck stopped by, and a concerned-looking, buff Hispanic dude tossed my bike into the back of his truck and drove me home.  If you’re reading this, thanks!

After my brush with [what was probably not even close to] death, I went to see the doctor, who then sent me to a specialist.  A specialist that specializes in the digestive system.  Exciting!

He really just talked and talked and mentioned he was going to have to stick a camera down my throat, and by the way, I’m going to sign you up for the stool test.

I got home after scheduling an appointment to have the camera stuck down my throat, which I was told is amazing fun by the specialist.  I don’t know, maybe I was just bothered by the fact that he enjoys sticking cameras down peoples’ throats, but I felt a sense of unease.  I really don’t know.

So anyways, I went home and scooped some of my shit into a cup.  Yay.

-Fin.

*So Eragon, Harry Potter, and pretty much all other heroes that have ever passed out would’ve woken up as blubbering idiots.

PS: I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I learned that black stool is caused by internal bleeding.  To be specific, the color is caused when your blood meets your digestive juices (yay!).

So that means I was digesting my own blood.  Yummy.

I’m going out into the sun in a moment.

Uh oh!

As of this moment, I’m fine.  I do have an ulcer, but it should be (unless my body is just completely incompetent) healing, and I’m taking 8 pills a day.