h1

At least I wore a helmet.

April 2, 2011

Dunno if you know this, but I’ve been having abdominal pain for two (around there) years due to an issue that isn’t serious but kind of disgusting.  Too disgusting for this blog.  And if I deem something is disgusting, you better freakin’ believe it’s disgusting.

However, the type of pain is usually a dull, consistently there pain.  That annoys me to no end, but meh.  Around three weeks ago, I started feeling extreme nausea along with this pain.  I never threw up, though (not sure if this is a good thing).  Then it went away until last last Saturday.  Last last Saturday, my nausea-pain came back.  I tried to ignore it until Monday night, where it just spiked.  Also, my crap was black.  By black, I mean it was tar-colored, pitch black, ink black, black as the night when you don’t have a frickin’ flashlight.

I apologize for that mental image. Here's a kitten.

But I didn’t think that black stool was any problem, just something I ate.  But keep it in mind… or not if it’s too disturbing.

Anyways, my mom, disturbed by my excruciating pain, scheduled an appointment with my doctor the next morning (Tuesday morning).  I went and nothing extraordinary happened, except for the fact that she signed me up for 3 (3!) blood tests.  She told me I might have an ulcer, and it wasn’t the old problem.

So I went to the lab to get the tests done, and they took two vials of blood.  Then they handed me a cup.  Because apparently, my doctor also accidentally signed me up for a stool test, which meant I had to gather my shit and put it in a cup.

The brown color is actually from shit. My shit.

They poked a hole in my vein.  I hate holes in my veins.  Did I mention that?

So, because my doctor specifically mentioned that the test for ulcer-causing bacteria was a  blood test, we had to go back, have the doctor print out another form, and go back to the lab.

Then I got a hole poked in my other arm.  I hate holes in my veins.

I will never take heroin.

Then I went back to school to avoid missing math (because I just love math so much!).

The next day, I tried biking to school, as normal.  I live right smack dab in the middle of a hill, which I have to go over to go to school.  I felt pretty lightheaded after I finally got over the hill, but I thought it was normal, because it’s a pretty big hill.

But the lightheadedness didn’t go away.  It stayed and got worse.  My vision blurred.  I started swerving from side to side.  Fortunately, I had the sense to get off my bike and try walking it until I felt better.  Unfortunately, it did not get better.  I felt terrible at that point and could barely stand, so I just dropped my bike, dropped my backpack, and stood around.  Then, I passed out.

Of course, safety-conscious me was wearing a helmet, so when I woke up (after probably around two seconds… contrary to popular belief, passing out for more than five minutes gives you more than a 90% chance of having brain damage or something*) I found myself staring at the ground.  My helmet protrudes from the front of my head, so none of my face was touching the ground, except for my nose, because my nose is just huge.

I...have no idea.

Anyways, I started standing up and waving at passing cars, only to fall down again.   I probably looked like some crazy guy that found some kind of maniacal satisfaction in waving at cars and then falling down onto the rain-soaked ground.  A couple of cars, probably with drivers that thought exactly that, passed by without stopping.

Finally, a truck stopped by, and a concerned-looking, buff Hispanic dude tossed my bike into the back of his truck and drove me home.  If you’re reading this, thanks!

After my brush with [what was probably not even close to] death, I went to see the doctor, who then sent me to a specialist.  A specialist that specializes in the digestive system.  Exciting!

He really just talked and talked and mentioned he was going to have to stick a camera down my throat, and by the way, I’m going to sign you up for the stool test.

I got home after scheduling an appointment to have the camera stuck down my throat, which I was told is amazing fun by the specialist.  I don’t know, maybe I was just bothered by the fact that he enjoys sticking cameras down peoples’ throats, but I felt a sense of unease.  I really don’t know.

So anyways, I went home and scooped some of my shit into a cup.  Yay.

-Fin.

*So Eragon, Harry Potter, and pretty much all other heroes that have ever passed out would’ve woken up as blubbering idiots.

PS: I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I learned that black stool is caused by internal bleeding.  To be specific, the color is caused when your blood meets your digestive juices (yay!).

So that means I was digesting my own blood.  Yummy.

I’m going out into the sun in a moment.

Uh oh!

As of this moment, I’m fine.  I do have an ulcer, but it should be (unless my body is just completely incompetent) healing, and I’m taking 8 pills a day.

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One comment

  1. Hope you feel better!

    one guy riding bicycle got stuck by a truck. he did not wear helmet. he got $700 ticket. I am not kidding.



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